December 24, 2009
Happy New Year.
Cheer was all but missing in my home this Christmas. We kept trying to hold it all together but it was fleeting.
My folks could barely function from their grief and this Holiday has made it all the worse for them. Christmas - it was my sister's favorite holiday, she never had much but she always made the most of it.
Anyway, Christmas is over now, and the New Year is now upon us. The last year was the worst of my life. I can only imagine that 2010 will be better, after all, it can only get better.
So, to all of my friends Have a Happy and Safe New Year!
See you tomorrow with a better outlook on what is sure to be a better year. :)
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December 21, 2009
Sands of Time, Winds of Change
To anyone who knows me - that is for those of you from blog land who have become my friends, my family . . . you all know this has been a truly difficult couple years. I often find myself waking wondering what the hell happened to my life, only to be greeted with a wonderful, heartfelt and lovely email or message from one of you.
You have no idea how truly blessed I feel to have friends like you. A few of you already know it - or at least I hope that you know it. If you are reading this and thinking - she might be talking about me - then I am. ;)
As you know this year brought the loss of my sister, my husband and the family dynamic I've lived for 16 years. I've struggled to come to terms with the fact that the plan, the map I'd laid out for myself, is no longer in the cards. And I'm finally ok with that.
There's a quote I always liked : "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." ~Amy Li Except she isn't. I've not really been whole since. We were not the closest of sisters but she was still my sister. The only other person on earth cut from the same cloth. It's been rough.
I'm hoping that with the new year I find some confidence, some understanding, and some closer proximity to some of my loved ones and friends - yes, that means I may be traveling to see you soon! ;)
I must say, that the one thing that has kept me sane is my son. He is a beautiful, loving and sweet child. Watching him pick out Christmas gifts for people this year has been wonderful. He spends his own money, money he has earned from me or from his grandma, money that he counts daily. He shops with a specific goal in mind. For a dear friend who likes to fish, he spent 20 minutes in the lures aisle until he got what he thought was just right. Then, he spent time looking at books, dvd's and cd's to get just what his cousin might want. Don't even go to the toy aisle with that boy as he is wild and crazy there. He is so thoughtful. It is clear that he has listened to what people want or like and he gets them just what they would appreciate. (He got me snowman socks-which i am not supposed to know) because I LOVE LOVE LOVE snowmen and socks! See? sweet. This year has been tough for me, but absolutely devastating for him. I ache because of it.
My nephew lost his mom, my son lost his aunt and is estranged for the most part from his dad. We have friends who have lost jobs etc. . . So my mom - being my mom - thought that it would be a good time to take the kids in a limo to see the Christmas Carol in 3D. It was a while back, but we had a very good time. And believe it or not, it was just what those boys needed to pick them up for the afternoon. For a day, those boys were not missing anything, just for a day, they felt high and important and loved. . . . and isn't that what we are supposed to do for them? Make them feel loved?
Anyway, we call these: "this is how we roll" and "this is why we hawt." My nephew is the dark haired boy in the middle. My boy is the goofy one next to the tallest boy - of course my boy has snacks! Oh, and for some reason, my boy looks very Asian in the second picture-very Asian gangsta. :)
And since it is Christmas - here is my tree. We hope you have a very Merry Christmas. We are using this holiday to erase some pain and start anew.
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November 13, 2009
November 11, 2009
November 06, 2009
The Minja Has Been Unleashed!
You failed to donate with a swiftness. You have trifled with the Minja. Witness his wrath below!
BEFORE ANYMORE INNOCENT FOLKS GET HURT, CLICK THE NAVY SECTION ON THE WIDGET BELOW AND DONATE NOW! FEAR THE MINJA, HIS VIOLENCE KNOWS ONLY ONE PACIFIER . . . DONATE TO TEAM NAVY! DONATE NOW! DO IT FOR THE INNOCENTS!
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November 03, 2009
DONATE NOW!
GO TEAM, NAVY!!! We've been behind the whole fundraiser, but now it is time to kick it into gear. Do it for the children! Or, better still, do it for yourself. Need I remind you? I shall unleash the Minja!
It's way scarier than you could ever imagine! The minja is not to be trifled with.
Click the Navy section on the below Widget to DONATE NOW!! FEAR THE MINJA!
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October 18, 2009
This Too Shall Pass
I mean no disrespect, and I love you all dearly here who have made the sentiment, but folks I don't really care for or am not really that close to have said to me, constantly, "this too shall pass."
Can I just tell you? Unless I love you or we are close, that sentiment is really a slap in the face. How the fuck do they know if this too shall pass? Cause seriously? What if it doesn't? What if I am destined for a life of misery. What if I will always be alone, always be miserable, always be alone. Huh? Tell me that.
Now, again, this mini-rant isn't directed at my readership. Cause I love you guys. This mini-rant is directed to the lady who is friends with my mother-in-law and learned that the husband left. "oh honey, I heard about your sister. What a shame. And now? this? honey, this will pass don't you worry." I nearly spit at her.
I wanted to say, "what the fuck do you know? My sister, for all her faults and all our differences, was my best friend because she knew me best. My husband has been my constant for nearly 17 years and now he's gone. So really, what the fuck do you know? It isn't going to pass until I slit my wrists in a bathtub full of lukewarm water. Two of the three most important people in my life - left me. I'm fucking alone, and if it were not for the third, I'd already be dead."
But instead, I smiled sweetly, said thank you and beat feet out of her presence. Then, then I hyperventilated in my car from the sudden upwelling of anger I felt.
This might not pass. I have to ready myself for the possibility that this might not pass. That my son might not get over the sudden fracturing of his life. That my parents really won't recover from my sister's death. That I will go through life alone and miserable (albeit with wonderful, most fabulous friends).
And I am surprisingly ok with all of that because, well, because I'm resigned to my lot in life as I am certain I have done something to deserve it all, despite folks telling me I don't. You have to, you love me. ;)
I used to be a very religious girl. I used to believe just to believe because it was how I was raised. The karmic bitch-slap I've felt for the last two full years is enough to give me pause. I am sure that has something to do with my present situation. I'll be honest, I've asked why. If I were amish it'd be a sin to ask why. Good thing I'm not amish. The Good Book says that you never get more than you can handle. Which, I have always believed, until now. I can't handle what has been thrown at me or rather how I'm feeling right now. I'm surviving, but I'm not handling anything. So, as I sink deeper into the quicksand that is my current life, I'm quite certain that my screaming, "I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE" at the top of my lungs this afternoon in my backyard, went completely unnoticed by the Big Guy. I think he stopped listening a while back. Par for the course in my life. Par for the course. Why yes, I'm aware I'm going to hell, why do you ask?
I hate my life.
So, if another non-friend walks up to me and tells me "this too shall pass." I will bite that person. No really. I will bite them.
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October 08, 2009
Taking a Vacation
I've been shutting down. Things here have been ok. Trying to get my ducks in a row, but I've been shutting down.
I find myself alone a lot these days. The Boy goes with his dad a couple times a week and I am alone. Rather than be productive, I shut down. I find myself sitting in the same place, sometimes for hours. I stare at the wall, at the floor, at the burn scar on my wrist. I sit. I carry on entire conversations with my dead sister as if she was in the room with me. She doesn't answer . . . yet. . . . I tell her all the things that are going on just as I'd do if she were here. I guess I'll start to worry when she answers.
On the weekends I deal with my parents who are getting worse in their grief. During the week I work and care for the Boy. At work I keep my door closed a lot and I don't socialize much. I drink more and I buy expensive things like bedding.
For the last 16 years, my self worth was measured in part by another person and that person has taken himself out of the equation, leaving me with a variable I've never had before.
This is a new era for me, one I've never had to navigate and rather than attempt to take the helm, I've retreated into myself. Don't worry, I am seeking help as I've been here once before and it was not good.
I've recounted all the things I didn't do over the last 16 years because I lived for someone else, and it makes me wonder if there is time for them still. Then being single hits me again. Ugh. I have never been good at casual relationships. Never - as I am too committed. I'm not sure how to be single - though it appears that I will be for a long time to come.
Anyway, all these thoughts have caused me to shut down, so I am going to reinvigorate myself this weekend. This weekend, I am going to visit my other "sister" cause she gets me - I can shut down for days, months and pick up the phone one day and she gets me without me having to explain. It will be good.
The Boy and I are taking a vacation to be with our people. To feel loved and to love on others. We will be back next week, with a new smile, a brighter outlook and no doubt, much fuller bellies! The Boy needs it. I need it. My other "sister" won't admit it, but she needs us! ;) It will be good. Because despite all my shutting down, and shutting folks out, I need them - I desperately need them (there, that might be the only time you ever see me say that out loud).
So! Look out Voodoo! I'm coming to your house! I'm bringing apple cake. Wheeee!
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October 01, 2009
Holy Meltdown Batman!
Dogette has had herself one dandy of a blog-meltdown today. You should go check it out! ;)
As far as meltodowns go, I'd give her a 7. She needs to work on her technique but she's getting there. I'm sure she'd appreciate the support, go, support her.
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September 29, 2009
Lawyers, Guns & Money
So, I've been having a dandy of a time chumming for twitterbots on Twitter. Yes, I tweet, what's it to ya?
It suddenly occurred to me that I have nothing interesting to say. nothing. I don't even have anything remotely interesting to say in 140 characters or less.
I haven't had any really good cases since Perez Hilton called me a legal goon - in fact, the economy has struck the legal industry and my pay got cut - at least I didn't get downsized.
The summer was even boring - save getting left by my husband of 13 years and partner of 16. I mean, I only saw one pair of assless chaps at the Easy Rider Rodeo!
The fall, all one week and two days of it . . . has been cold and rainy mostly. The brightest spot is my new bedding.
Wait! I won a shotgun the otherday . . . so there's that! That's what I need to bring me out of my doldrums - more guns!
I shall leave you with this picture: it was self defense. He attacked me for baking his friends into a cake the day before. Poor guy . . . didn't have a chance. *snicker*
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