October 18, 2009

This Too Shall Pass

I mean no disrespect, and I love you all dearly here who have made the sentiment, but folks I don't really care for or am not really that close to have said to me, constantly, "this too shall pass."

Can I just tell you? Unless I love you or we are close, that sentiment is really a slap in the face. How the fuck do they know if this too shall pass? Cause seriously? What if it doesn't? What if I am destined for a life of misery. What if I will always be alone, always be miserable, always be alone. Huh? Tell me that.

Now, again, this mini-rant isn't directed at my readership. Cause I love you guys. This mini-rant is directed to the lady who is friends with my mother-in-law and learned that the husband left. "oh honey, I heard about your sister. What a shame. And now? this? honey, this will pass don't you worry." I nearly spit at her.

I wanted to say, "what the fuck do you know? My sister, for all her faults and all our differences, was my best friend because she knew me best. My husband has been my constant for nearly 17 years and now he's gone. So really, what the fuck do you know? It isn't going to pass until I slit my wrists in a bathtub full of lukewarm water. Two of the three most important people in my life - left me. I'm fucking alone, and if it were not for the third, I'd already be dead."

But instead, I smiled sweetly, said thank you and beat feet out of her presence. Then, then I hyperventilated in my car from the sudden upwelling of anger I felt.

This might not pass. I have to ready myself for the possibility that this might not pass. That my son might not get over the sudden fracturing of his life. That my parents really won't recover from my sister's death. That I will go through life alone and miserable (albeit with wonderful, most fabulous friends).

And I am surprisingly ok with all of that because, well, because I'm resigned to my lot in life as I am certain I have done something to deserve it all, despite folks telling me I don't. You have to, you love me. ;)

I used to be a very religious girl. I used to believe just to believe because it was how I was raised. The karmic bitch-slap I've felt for the last two full years is enough to give me pause. I am sure that has something to do with my present situation. I'll be honest, I've asked why. If I were amish it'd be a sin to ask why. Good thing I'm not amish. The Good Book says that you never get more than you can handle. Which, I have always believed, until now. I can't handle what has been thrown at me or rather how I'm feeling right now. I'm surviving, but I'm not handling anything. So, as I sink deeper into the quicksand that is my current life, I'm quite certain that my screaming, "I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE" at the top of my lungs this afternoon in my backyard, went completely unnoticed by the Big Guy. I think he stopped listening a while back. Par for the course in my life. Par for the course. Why yes, I'm aware I'm going to hell, why do you ask?

I hate my life.

So, if another non-friend walks up to me and tells me "this too shall pass." I will bite that person. No really. I will bite them.

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Posted by Oddybobo at 08:41 PM | Comments (17) | TrackBack

October 08, 2009

Taking a Vacation

I've been shutting down. Things here have been ok. Trying to get my ducks in a row, but I've been shutting down.

I find myself alone a lot these days. The Boy goes with his dad a couple times a week and I am alone. Rather than be productive, I shut down. I find myself sitting in the same place, sometimes for hours. I stare at the wall, at the floor, at the burn scar on my wrist. I sit. I carry on entire conversations with my dead sister as if she was in the room with me. She doesn't answer . . . yet. . . . I tell her all the things that are going on just as I'd do if she were here. I guess I'll start to worry when she answers.

On the weekends I deal with my parents who are getting worse in their grief. During the week I work and care for the Boy. At work I keep my door closed a lot and I don't socialize much. I drink more and I buy expensive things like bedding.

For the last 16 years, my self worth was measured in part by another person and that person has taken himself out of the equation, leaving me with a variable I've never had before.

This is a new era for me, one I've never had to navigate and rather than attempt to take the helm, I've retreated into myself. Don't worry, I am seeking help as I've been here once before and it was not good.

I've recounted all the things I didn't do over the last 16 years because I lived for someone else, and it makes me wonder if there is time for them still. Then being single hits me again. Ugh. I have never been good at casual relationships. Never - as I am too committed. I'm not sure how to be single - though it appears that I will be for a long time to come.

Anyway, all these thoughts have caused me to shut down, so I am going to reinvigorate myself this weekend. This weekend, I am going to visit my other "sister" cause she gets me - I can shut down for days, months and pick up the phone one day and she gets me without me having to explain. It will be good.

The Boy and I are taking a vacation to be with our people. To feel loved and to love on others. We will be back next week, with a new smile, a brighter outlook and no doubt, much fuller bellies! The Boy needs it. I need it. My other "sister" won't admit it, but she needs us! ;) It will be good. Because despite all my shutting down, and shutting folks out, I need them - I desperately need them (there, that might be the only time you ever see me say that out loud).

So! Look out Voodoo! I'm coming to your house! I'm bringing apple cake. Wheeee!

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Posted by Oddybobo at 10:35 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

October 01, 2009

Holy Meltdown Batman!

Dogette has had herself one dandy of a blog-meltdown today. You should go check it out! ;)

As far as meltodowns go, I'd give her a 7. She needs to work on her technique but she's getting there. I'm sure she'd appreciate the support, go, support her.

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Posted by Oddybobo at 11:35 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack