How to Excite a Redneck

On Sunday morning the fire siren blew and the husband, child and I were off to lend service to our neighbors.

This call was for a dog stuck in a drainpipe. My husband went to the hall to get our gear, whilst the Boy and I went to the scene to "scope it out."

When we arrived, we learned that it was, in fact, two dogs stuck in a drain pipe with a very angry groundhog. The wirehaired terrier and the westy had the groundhog pinned and, in fact, the westy was laying partly atop the groundhog's head. It was surmised that the groundhog would need to be euthanized so that the dogs did not suffer additional injuries. For surely, once one dog was rescued, the groundhog would attack the other, or the three would begin the fight again. It was decided that the groundhog, being a worthless creature, would be shot in order to safely rescue the wee-pups.

Now, to the part on how to excite a redneck . . . .

Once we learned that we would get to do some small game hunting in a drainpipe, we and I mean we all, jumped to see who got to go home for a gun first. It being Sunday, we all had seamingly left our firearms behind. I offered the .38 or the 9mm - too much power. We settled on a .22. I have a revolver and a snubbed pistol, but a long-gun it was to be. Off raced my dear friend to retrieve a .22 with which to dispatch the ornery groundhog.

We redneck firefighters stood around salivating at the prospect of the smell of gunpowder on a sunday morn, when the westy backed out of the drainpipe with help from a pike pole. Covered in blood, the westy was whisked away to be cleaned up. Peering into the drainpipe, it was discovered that the groundhog had, in fact, managed to make a stealthy escape through the maze of drainpipes. The wirehair was rescued and all was right in their world again.

It was with sadness that we all retreated to our vehicles and homes, as we had all gotten very excited and were let down tremendously. No sunday shootin for us.

So, the moral to the story? It is easy to excite a redneck, the prospect of shooting and killing one of God's more ornery and worthless creatures is but one way. The prospect of shooting and killing one of God's more tasty creatures is but another . . . I think I'll have venison for dinner . . .