Observations

My cousin recently moved into my home to escape an overbearing and abusive boyfriend. It was through recent conversations with her that I have made some observations.

Her boyfriend would scream and yell and berate her at the slightest provocation. Nothing she did was good enough, nothing she said was right, you all know the type. The shouts were vile and vicious. He expected her to pay for everything in the relationship and as he drained her bank account, he continued to mistreat her. He treated his children as badly as he treated her, and they in turn treated her badly as well. So, she is with us for a while.

Our pool needed to be recovered last week. Afterall, it is turning fall and it is time to close it up. The cover takes two people at minimum. I was not home. So Cuz and DH and the Boy took on the task aided by the dog, cat, a random garter snake, a bevy of mice and the quad.

What my Cuz said that evening struck me. She said she didn't realize how badly she was being treated until she spent an afternoon with my husband covering the pool. The job is tedious and time consuming and awkward. The Cuz said that her bf would have shouted at her, called her names and been positively ignorant the entire time. My DH? Kind, patient, calm.

She was surprised that he never raised his voice to either her or our son, nor did he call her names or tell her she was an idiot for tripping over a chain. No, he helped her up, showed her how to finish the task and was nice-all afternoon.

To her, nice is an anomoly. To me? It is normalcy. I have been with DH for 13 years. Not once in the 13 years we have been together has he ever, never ever, once said something derogatory or mean in order to hurt me. Never has he called me names - except in jest. Never has he berated my abilities or lack thereof - except in jest. Never has he stood inches from my face screaming obsenities or vile things. NEVER. Afterall, he would have been in pain afterwards . . . byegones.

It is not his nature, nor is it my nature to accept such behavior. My Cuz, it is her nature. Her dad was that way, her bf was too. She simply took it as normal.

This is not to suggest that DH and I don't have our moments of loathing. Afterall, that is normal too. But that is out of earshot or with friends where it doesn't sting one another on the hearing. We respect one another and each other's feelings too much to be so callous. The key of course is respect.

Oh, and love. We love eachother. Life is better because DH is in it. Life is wonderful because our son is a gift to us. The Cuz? She has never felt that way or seen it up close in her 26 years.

How is it that something so normal to me can be so foreign to her? We are in the same family. My dad was the polar opposite of hers and she knew it. When we were kids, she and her brothers would come for the summer and tell my dad "we wish you were our dad". How sad. Look, I'm not trying to oversimplify this. I'm not being idealistic. I know there are undesireable people out there. I just refused to settle for that.

I tried to explain to her, for the last several years, that she shouldn't settle for familiar just because she couldn't find fantastic. This is a huge lesson!! Teach your kids this lesson - DO NOT SETTLE FOR FAMILIAR JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIND FANTASTIC! Unless of course familiar just happens to be fantastic! .

Seriously, your heart should leap when your love touches your hand. He/She should look at you as if "you are the reason the sun rises."

I've got a very strong personality, I'd never settle for less. But, why should anyone? I don't want my son to ever settle for less. I want him to grow into a man and to meet the woman who thinks the sun rises because of him. I want his woman to feel that he thinks the sun rises because of her. I want them to have little baby stars . . . OK, you get the picture - sappy, yes - but not unrealistic.

The man I married is all of those things. In a month or so we will be married 10 years. Ten years of feeling like no matter what I look like on the outside I'm sitting on a pedestal to him. What a wonderful feeling. I hope Cuz feels that way one day too.

Here is an old pic from last year of the hubby and the Boy. If I do say so myself, big nose and all - he is a dish. *smile*