October 18, 2009
This Too Shall Pass
I mean no disrespect, and I love you all dearly here who have made the sentiment, but folks I don't really care for or am not really that close to have said to me, constantly, "this too shall pass."
Can I just tell you? Unless I love you or we are close, that sentiment is really a slap in the face. How the fuck do they know if this too shall pass? Cause seriously? What if it doesn't? What if I am destined for a life of misery. What if I will always be alone, always be miserable, always be alone. Huh? Tell me that.
Now, again, this mini-rant isn't directed at my readership. Cause I love you guys. This mini-rant is directed to the lady who is friends with my mother-in-law and learned that the husband left. "oh honey, I heard about your sister. What a shame. And now? this? honey, this will pass don't you worry." I nearly spit at her.
I wanted to say, "what the fuck do you know? My sister, for all her faults and all our differences, was my best friend because she knew me best. My husband has been my constant for nearly 17 years and now he's gone. So really, what the fuck do you know? It isn't going to pass until I slit my wrists in a bathtub full of lukewarm water. Two of the three most important people in my life - left me. I'm fucking alone, and if it were not for the third, I'd already be dead."
But instead, I smiled sweetly, said thank you and beat feet out of her presence. Then, then I hyperventilated in my car from the sudden upwelling of anger I felt.
This might not pass. I have to ready myself for the possibility that this might not pass. That my son might not get over the sudden fracturing of his life. That my parents really won't recover from my sister's death. That I will go through life alone and miserable (albeit with wonderful, most fabulous friends).
And I am surprisingly ok with all of that because, well, because I'm resigned to my lot in life as I am certain I have done something to deserve it all, despite folks telling me I don't. You have to, you love me. ;)
I used to be a very religious girl. I used to believe just to believe because it was how I was raised. The karmic bitch-slap I've felt for the last two full years is enough to give me pause. I am sure that has something to do with my present situation. I'll be honest, I've asked why. If I were amish it'd be a sin to ask why. Good thing I'm not amish. The Good Book says that you never get more than you can handle. Which, I have always believed, until now. I can't handle what has been thrown at me or rather how I'm feeling right now. I'm surviving, but I'm not handling anything. So, as I sink deeper into the quicksand that is my current life, I'm quite certain that my screaming, "I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE" at the top of my lungs this afternoon in my backyard, went completely unnoticed by the Big Guy. I think he stopped listening a while back. Par for the course in my life. Par for the course. Why yes, I'm aware I'm going to hell, why do you ask?
I hate my life.
So, if another non-friend walks up to me and tells me "this too shall pass." I will bite that person. No really. I will bite them.
Posted by Oddybobo at October 18, 2009 08:41 PM
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*hugs* We really don't know each other...all I can say is pleasedon'tbiteme! And I know about 'this too can pass' crap... You don't get over some stuff. You learn to go on, but you don't get over it. Is that God teaching me that? I have no earthly idea. If there is a God, and I do get to meet Him in the next life...He's in for a serious rant. He owes me some serious explanations.
Your sister's death is nothing that will pass. It is permanent in your life... permanent suckage. I think that there will be times forever where you will cry over her loss. I think there will be times that it will be a dull ache. But mostly, it will hurt forever. That will not pass.
I don't know about your husband. Instinctively I want to say, "In 7 years you may be OK". You are grieving the death of a relationship. But I don't think anything good is going to be felt before that 7 year mark. It takes 3-7 years to come to grips with a sudden death. I think that's what you are dealing with... the sudden death of your marriage. I give it 7 years.
But I have seen first hand, that there are some deaths that people never come to grips with and I put your sister's death firmly in that category. I pray you can come to terms with it, but I think it could go either way.
As for God not handing any more than someone can handle, I am oft heard to call BS on that. If that were true, there would not be insane asylums, there would be no mentally ill, there would be no suicide, there would be no drug addicts and alcoholics.
I think you're entitled to bite someone. Perhaps a verbal biting would be better?!!! If so, make sure someone video tapes it so I can watch. I want to cheer you on...
Biting, huh? Um, this too shall pass.....
Consider the "passing" BROUGHTED.
No, some things don't pass. We carry them around and are haunted by them every second of every day... Others, thankfully, we can set down.
It's difficult to know what to say in the face of monumental anguish, which is why we utter such inane cliches. In your case I really don't think it was appropriate.
{Hug}
Okay, let me put on my bite-proof suit...
I try to avoid inane cliches myself when referring to those suffering. And I do believe that, in the passage of an unknown amount of time, things generally do improve and joy and happiness can be experienced once again. But I also know that until that time, things may be far from okay for a while and it can be a struggle to make it from one day to the next without falling apart. And having a little kid that probably doesn't fully comprehend how things went to hell so suddenly in his life doesn't help. There will be hard times ahead and all we can do as friends is help lift you up when you fall, so you can keep going for the good of you and your boy. I hope as loyal readers we can do that much. And to be fair I believe that lady meant well, but it's hard to take it that way when you're hurting so much and someone who doesn't have a clue as to how you feel tries to make your life sound far simpler than it actually is.
But I do truly hope and pray that you make it through the tough times ahead and enough of it passes to where you can find joy in your life again someday.
I won't lay a cliche on you, but you may not be happy with what I'm going to say. And be somewhat surprised it's coming from me:
Therapy.
Talk to a shrink, or a priest/minister: anyone who is qualified in grief counseling and doesn't just whip out a prescription for happy pills. Because that sweet little boy who calls you mom needs you, and you need to be as close to whole as you can get for him and yourself. It won't heal you, but it can help you learn to cope with the pain.
Anyone who says "This shall pass" is an oblivious asshole, and deserves a good bite to wake their dumb asses up.
These things do NOT pass.
Ever.
But you can work towards them becoming scars instead of open wounds. Please get some help.
That said, if you bite me you owe me pie :)
You know I say stupid stuff. Just comes naturally to me... no wonder you don't call much. ;-) My dad has been dead five years. There are STILL days when my heart pulls and I realize he isn't going to see something my boys are doing, or the progress I've made. It hurts. Deep. But time has made those days fewer. And a lot of times I smile and think he is beside me watching and it doesn't hurt so much and can even make me smile. To me your hardest issue is the boy and the ex. Please listen to Grau... go get counciling. Please. And if you don't like the councelor CHANGE. I did. Get counciling and change councelors. Yaa I'm not a close friend, but I care and I you and your boy are in my prayers. In fact, on a weird chance, my boys asked about you and your son. Wondering if you were coming down again. Let me know. You are always welcome... just remind me to keep my mouth shut! ;-)
Won't say anything - just hugs for you and your boy.
.... all good advice, I am sure.....and hey, no one has walked in your identical shoes........ but as for me, I say go ahead and bite someone...... and bite them hard...... preferrably somone that you don't know and that you DO know is unarmed.........
..... biting someone is good for the soul, girl.... much like hitting them with a shovel.....
.... and you can trust me on that shovel stuff....... I know from experience.....
... best of luck to you, Oddy.....
I know some of what you're feeling. My significant other left me after 17 years. At that point we had been together exactly half of my life. It was devastating.
But somehow, I pulled myself up. I completely remodeled my home so there was no trace of him left. I reached out to friends. I forced myself to do things that I would never have conceived of doing in my previous life. I traveled. I went whale watching. I ate out at restaurants alone. I got massages.
I made a huge effort to stretch my boundaries, and find *me*. It was extremely uncomfortable at first. But as time went on, I realized that the best thing that ever happened in my life was him leaving me.
I won't say, "this too shall pass." I hate that saying. But I do believe that you can move on and grow and stretch. Try to use all of your pent up angst and energy to catapult you into something new.
Ok....you can bite me now...because I know that last thing you want now is any kind of advice. But trust me. Try to reinvent yourself. Little by little it will help to ease your pain.
Hugs to you Sweetie. Hugs to you... You are in my thoughts numerous times every single day.
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Lookee up there, the Lord has provided a sacrificial spammer just in time for a biting!
:o)
But yeah, the counseling thing, even if it's just a Gestalt-type primal scream. . . find a safe place to be supremely, totally and unashamedly angry at all of it.
I hear your pain, your saddness and anger. Am praying that you will find peace again some day. Please know that there are so many people who care about you and the boy. You are not alone. We love you.
Well, I don't want to get bit, if I come home with strange teeth marks my Linda Lou would ventilate me with her .38. Then she'd ask me about how.
Still, even though I've never met you in person your writing has touched a chord deep inside. I've no great insights, just a prayer and a long distance hug for my friend.
And I used to have a bumper sticker that said This Too Shall Pass. Now that I'm retired and driving slower I need one that says this too shall be passed. I'll be here all week, try the veal. And don't forget to tip your waitress.
Platitudes do nothing for me either. In fact, they make me want to scream and rip out hair and eyeballs. Since that is socially unacceptable, what are you to do?
I can offer only virtual hugs and shoulders upon which to cry. I know we've had just the briefest of contact in the past, but please know I'm praying for you to find strength and peace.
