Taking a Vacation

I've been shutting down. Things here have been ok. Trying to get my ducks in a row, but I've been shutting down.

I find myself alone a lot these days. The Boy goes with his dad a couple times a week and I am alone. Rather than be productive, I shut down. I find myself sitting in the same place, sometimes for hours. I stare at the wall, at the floor, at the burn scar on my wrist. I sit. I carry on entire conversations with my dead sister as if she was in the room with me. She doesn't answer . . . yet. . . . I tell her all the things that are going on just as I'd do if she were here. I guess I'll start to worry when she answers.

On the weekends I deal with my parents who are getting worse in their grief. During the week I work and care for the Boy. At work I keep my door closed a lot and I don't socialize much. I drink more and I buy expensive things like bedding.

For the last 16 years, my self worth was measured in part by another person and that person has taken himself out of the equation, leaving me with a variable I've never had before.

This is a new era for me, one I've never had to navigate and rather than attempt to take the helm, I've retreated into myself. Don't worry, I am seeking help as I've been here once before and it was not good.

I've recounted all the things I didn't do over the last 16 years because I lived for someone else, and it makes me wonder if there is time for them still. Then being single hits me again. Ugh. I have never been good at casual relationships. Never - as I am too committed. I'm not sure how to be single - though it appears that I will be for a long time to come.

Anyway, all these thoughts have caused me to shut down, so I am going to reinvigorate myself this weekend. This weekend, I am going to visit my other "sister" cause she gets me - I can shut down for days, months and pick up the phone one day and she gets me without me having to explain. It will be good.

The Boy and I are taking a vacation to be with our people. To feel loved and to love on others. We will be back next week, with a new smile, a brighter outlook and no doubt, much fuller bellies! The Boy needs it. I need it. My other "sister" won't admit it, but she needs us! ;) It will be good. Because despite all my shutting down, and shutting folks out, I need them - I desperately need them (there, that might be the only time you ever see me say that out loud).

So! Look out Voodoo! I'm coming to your house! I'm bringing apple cake. Wheeee!