October 08, 2009

Taking a Vacation

I've been shutting down. Things here have been ok. Trying to get my ducks in a row, but I've been shutting down.

I find myself alone a lot these days. The Boy goes with his dad a couple times a week and I am alone. Rather than be productive, I shut down. I find myself sitting in the same place, sometimes for hours. I stare at the wall, at the floor, at the burn scar on my wrist. I sit. I carry on entire conversations with my dead sister as if she was in the room with me. She doesn't answer . . . yet. . . . I tell her all the things that are going on just as I'd do if she were here. I guess I'll start to worry when she answers.

On the weekends I deal with my parents who are getting worse in their grief. During the week I work and care for the Boy. At work I keep my door closed a lot and I don't socialize much. I drink more and I buy expensive things like bedding.

For the last 16 years, my self worth was measured in part by another person and that person has taken himself out of the equation, leaving me with a variable I've never had before.

This is a new era for me, one I've never had to navigate and rather than attempt to take the helm, I've retreated into myself. Don't worry, I am seeking help as I've been here once before and it was not good.

I've recounted all the things I didn't do over the last 16 years because I lived for someone else, and it makes me wonder if there is time for them still. Then being single hits me again. Ugh. I have never been good at casual relationships. Never - as I am too committed. I'm not sure how to be single - though it appears that I will be for a long time to come.

Anyway, all these thoughts have caused me to shut down, so I am going to reinvigorate myself this weekend. This weekend, I am going to visit my other "sister" cause she gets me - I can shut down for days, months and pick up the phone one day and she gets me without me having to explain. It will be good.

The Boy and I are taking a vacation to be with our people. To feel loved and to love on others. We will be back next week, with a new smile, a brighter outlook and no doubt, much fuller bellies! The Boy needs it. I need it. My other "sister" won't admit it, but she needs us! ;) It will be good. Because despite all my shutting down, and shutting folks out, I need them - I desperately need them (there, that might be the only time you ever see me say that out loud).

So! Look out Voodoo! I'm coming to your house! I'm bringing apple cake. Wheeee!

Posted by Oddybobo at October 8, 2009 10:35 AM | TrackBack

Dude, it only takes time. Drinking helps for a minute, then something has to change. Trust me, I'm old.

Posted by: paul mitchell at October 8, 2009 12:28 PM

God love you, honey.

You will be just fine.

Trust me.

; )

Posted by: Christina at October 8, 2009 01:13 PM

Well, you and the boy are in my prayers, your ex, too as he will eventually (if he hasn't already) realise he's walked away from the best thing ever in his life.

I know you're pretty smart, probably smarter than me but I'll say it anyway, watch that drinking. It will turn around and bite you on the ass* and I'm not talking about a friendly, foreplay bite.

You can get through this. Take your left foot, move it forward and then down. Now take your right foot and move it forward and down. Repeat until you've walked through this rough patch.

* If you decide you NEEd an ass bite...

Posted by: Peter at October 8, 2009 03:40 PM

I love how Peter puts things. He always makes me laugh as he hammers a point home. He is right, you know.

There are good times coming. There is going to be some really crappy times coming too... but there will be some time when this is a large blip on your radar. Getting there will suck, but you'll get there. The key is doing what you're doing... and letting friends help.

You're in my thoughts daily. My offer stands as well.

Posted by: Bou at October 8, 2009 09:30 PM

Looking forward to seeing you and the boy. I got a cold Shiner with your name on it and some fun stuff in store for the boy. Bring it!

Posted by: Dash at October 8, 2009 11:21 PM

Take care of you honey.

Posted by: patti at October 9, 2009 09:07 AM

What Patti said - but take care of yourself first and foremost, because you don't do your boy any good when you're falling apart yourself. But my prayers that the two of you will be able to navigate the hard times together and come out the other end still whole. And drop us a line here on occasion, because you know we'll give you support.

Too bad I didn't still live in that part of the country, I'd be tempted to say hi, and try some of that apple pie. I mean the kind you bake. ;-)

Posted by: diamond dave at October 9, 2009 10:47 AM

I hope that your time is healing and wonderful. Hugs to you...

Posted by: Richmond at October 9, 2009 03:27 PM

It was SO GOOD to see you and your darling boy today!

(And the apple cake? I will have the recipe, right? Don't make me get all Chgo punk on ya...)

I've been there - full of the surprise and utter bafflement. It's a road full of crevasses - watch your step and it's do-able. Seriously do-able. Especially by you, m'dear. Promise.

Posted by: LauraB at October 10, 2009 04:29 PM

Everybody has pretty much said it...sometimes it has to be one day at a time. Hope the apple cake and visit does what it needs to for you. *hugs*

Posted by: Mrs. Who at October 11, 2009 07:17 PM

A little self reflection is good...for awhile. Don't rush it. You'll get through this and be a better person on the other side. {{Hugs}}

Posted by: Jerry in Indiana at October 15, 2009 10:52 PM