June 15, 2005

WTW - My Real Family

OK, I didn't have time to do a cool picture for today's WTW post, so I thought I'd tell ya'll a little story bout my real family! My extended family consists of real trash, not good ole' country rednecks, but trash. The kind even us rednecks like to loathe.

Now, for context it helps to know that the Better Half and I have what we commonly refer to as "White Trash Contests." Now, in such contests, we give examples of family activity which constitutes "White Trash" to see whose family is trashier . . . got the picture? Good. Problem is, I usually win. *hangs head in shame*

Here's a sample of why that is.

My daddy was one of three children, his daddy was one of six. We will start with granddaddy's family. Of the six children in grandpa's clan, none went to college. Each had decent sized families in which none of the biological children went to college.

One brother adopted nine children (four of mixed black/white heritage) several of whom went to college (I think), one of whom dated the Seattle Mariners (most of them anyway), one of whom is in Levenworth for dealing drugs, one of whom has been married no less than 5 times and one of whom is a rather successful artist in the south. The others are fairly normal. So far on the White Trash scale, we get a three.

One brother had five children, none went to college. All of whom had babies or married when teens. The three boys were bikers and the women schitzoids. Only one is married to their first spouse. White Trash scale? 5.

Now, we will skip the others cause they are simply too embarrasing and we will move to my grandpa. He had three kids, none went to college. One is a wife -abusing alcoholic whose children have disowned him generally, one is a former abused wife whose children are the basis for this post, and one is my daddy, a gem among men! White Trash Scale? 2.

Ok, so we move directly to the former abused wife. All three of her children are dirty. I mean dirty, the kind where you can scrub for days and still be dirty, dirty. My female cousin doesn't wash her hair. She thinks it makes her more natural or something. Ick! All three had children while in highschool, more than one in fact. All three are on welfare and live either in trailors or govt. subsidized housing. All three steal from family members on a regular basis. Of the three, the oldest has two boys. One is destined to become a serial killer when he is grown. No lie, he's all of 8 and already tried to kill his parents. The other, destined to become a rapist. He is all of 12 and watches porn. Both are beaten on a regular basis imagine *dirty sweaty dad, fat pig mom, cigarettes and beer* "come here boy, I'm fixin to beat yer ass fer watchin my porn!" White Trash Scale? Off the friggin charts!

This is what my family reunions with this bunch of three consists of "you think yer high fallutin cause yer edjacated in some fancy schoolin. Well you ain't no better than me! Woman! Get me a beer!" My reply is usually, "no, I think I'm high fallutin cause I bathe."

My mouth tends to get me into some trouble on occassion. The last visit, I was challenged, by my oldest cousin, to a pistol party -- basically who can shoot better. I won, as he doesn't even own a gun but the man in him figured he could outshoot a girl. This didn't go over with the dirty cousin very well, who threatened me with physical violence. Now, I'm not a genius but I know better than to threaten someone with physical violence when she is holding a fully loaded, very accurate .38 and has just proven she can, in fact, shoot it and, where you have just proven you can't hit the side of a barn standing perpendicular to it!

The legal begal in me knows that I would not have had grounds for self-defense if I had shot said cousin. However, the b--ch in me wanted to shoot him in the nuts and let him bleed out . . .

Ok, sorry for that last, regaining composure. . .

Needless to say, he didn't actually hurt me. See, I confused him with big words so he left. Hmmpf! Some people are so touchy!

Anyway, that is a brief, rambling look into my White Trash World!

Check out some fun from my noisy naybors in the Extended.

basil's blog
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Fistful of Fortnights
It Is What It Is
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Riehl World View
Six Meat Buffet
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Posted by Oddybobo at June 15, 2005 10:51 AM

Wow, reminds me of my own family reunions on my mom's side of the family. The coat of arms on that side consists of a stolen hubcap with a couple of stolen Craftsman wrenches crossed on it :-)

Posted by: Gun-Toting Liberal at June 15, 2005 12:13 PM

Now, I am really confused, is off the charts good or bad? And which are the ones that trashy again? I guess that I didn't read close enough, I'll be back.

Posted by: Two Dogs at June 15, 2005 02:00 PM

Hey, that there pistol party weren't fair! Ida just drunk half a jug o granpappy's shine before I tried shootin'. You-un hadn't drunk nuthin.

Posted by: Ogre at June 15, 2005 02:06 PM

now now Ogre, I was tryin to keep your identity a secret and you went and ruined it!

Posted by: Oddybobo at June 15, 2005 02:49 PM

Hey, don't be so judgmental!!The next president of these here United States might just be one of those overachievers!!

Posted by: soundboyz at June 15, 2005 04:16 PM

Your real family. As opposed to your blogfamily. Your blogson is getting up and running again after not having access to a computer for 5 weeks (the humanity!). Not blogging was KILLING me. >_

Posted by: Babaganoosh at June 17, 2005 12:05 AM